Jalopy Englebert, an intelligent young albino man in his 20s also known as ‘The Inflammable Iridescent Bob,’ because he is a flame retardant vertically challenged entertainer (in layman’s term’s, he’s a circus midget who doesn’t catch fire) & Malkovich Jr., a full-time pothead in his late teens with negative brain cells, even less common sense, and no other friends or life outside of past issues of Victoria’s Secret catalogs, noontime showings of “The People’s Court,” and his little friend Jalopy, meet in an undisclosed location to discuss very very very very important top secret undisclosed things.
They are standing in the middle of a large room in said undisclosed location.
The lights come on and they begin to speak.
Jalopy:
Why won’t you LISTEN TO ME??? I have to tell you my good news.
Malkovich Jr:
I thought I was... wait, did you speak before now? I thought that was just the buzzing of the hungry fleas living in my ear hair. I’ve named them all.
Hey, did you know that if you eat peaches with Lysol, it makes you fart like a rhino?
Jalopy:
No. But, before tonight, I was also unaware that you owned a key to Martha Stewart’s Basement. Man this place is huge! And so unbelievably clean and neat and smelling of elderberries…
What’s that over there, in the back? What?
No way, an ascot store?? A store dedicated to selling only ascots? ROCK ON!!!
Oh wait, it’s closed.
Bummer.
At least there’s a slip ‘n slide in the corner...
Malkovich Jr:
Yeah. I got the key when I won some sweepstakes on the inside of a cheetos package. Of course, cheetos are good enough on their own with all their orangey goodness, even without special sweepstakes that have prizes including keys to Martha Stewart’s Basement.
Jalopy:
Man, I should really switch to cheetos... the good old days are gone bro. I mean, when did cracker jacks stop giving good prizes?
Malkovich Jr:
Hey dude, don’t diss the Jacks, YO!
I got my driver’s license out of one of those boxes.
Jalopy:
So did I, but I still had to wait in line at the DMV and let that perv with the clipboard and rank halitosis ride around in the van with me all afternoon anyway before he’d give me that box of cracker jacks.
Malkovich Jr:
Awww, MAN! At least YOU got to take the test! I mean, every time a DMV examination dude would get in the car with me, I’d just look at him and say, “Hi. This is my Wednesday face. Wanna dance?” And he’d DIE. Apparently it’s an ancient voodoo curse involving authority figures or rank halitosis or something.
Jalopy:
Oh yeah man, that’s too bad. I think I saw something about that on the Discovery Channel.
*a short silence is spent looking around at the utter gloriousness of Martha Stewart’s Basement.*
Malkovich Jr:
So, dude, why did you want me to come here. I’m missing “People’s Court” and today’s case is some guy who is suing because he bought some dandruff shampoo from a small company based in some old chick’s bathroom and it appears his hair has melted off and it’s caused his scalp to be an unsightly shade of neon clear.
Jalopy:
Well, I wrote a letter about my good news to the President.
Malkovich Jr:
You did WHAT to the President? You haven’t even told ME your good news yet!!
Jalopy:
I’m afraid to now. I mean, after those burly secret service men wrestled me and a nearby chicken to the ground and intercepted my well thought out letter and burned it in a ritualistic fashion, complete with costumes and campfire songs, and I—
Malkovich Jr:
Man, I’m horny.
Jalopy:
Did you hear anything I just said?
Malkovich Jr:
Yeah. It was all like, “Malkovich, Malkovich Malkovich Malkovich. Malkovich Malkovich. Malkovich. Tonguing a platypus, Malkovich.”
Jalopy:
Fine, be that way, see if I really care!!! It was more traumatic than you’ll ever know, you MEAT SNEEZE!
*Jalopy crosses his little arms, stomps his little foot and turns away, miffed. More silence ensues. Finally Malkovich speaks again as if the outburst never happened.*
Malkovich Jr:
Every time I go swimming, kids laugh, LAUGH at my giant pink bunny suit and high heels. Don’t they know that sunscreen doesn’t always prevent the everlasting damage done by harmful UV rays penetrating the earth’s atmosphere? Don’t they watch Schoolhouse Rock and infomercials about clearing up zits and dehydrating meat?
Man I’m deep.
Jalopy:
Oh yeah? Beat this. I knew a lady once. She had rubies on her lips and when she spoke they drooled down her chin like the tears we all shed in the war. And I can say that too because I had two uncles that died in the war and
THIS IS AMERICA DAMMIT!
Malkovich Jr:
What??
Jalopy:
*sighs*
Oh nothin’.
Malkovich Jr:
(out of nowhere) I can’t take this space-filling witty banter anymore!
I have to KNOW what your good news is!! TELL ME! TELL ME NOW!!!
Jalopy:
I just don’t know if you can handle it… if your fragile psyche is truly ready… Are you suuuuure you wanna know?
Malkovich Jr:
We’re in Martha Stewart’s Basement aren’t we? What is it huh? The answer to a conundrum? The secret files of Bea Arthur and Brittney Spears shemale porn? The meaning of life according to Dr. Phil’s psychiatrist? A shave and a haircut, two bits??
WHAT? WHAT? WHAT? WHAT?!?!?!?!?!?!?
*holds breath during a moment of dramatic pause just as someone would during a moment of dramatic pause *
Jalopy:
No, none of those things. It’s bet-ter.
*More overuse of dramatic pauses until the Dramatic Pause Company, Inc. starts to complain of abuse and threatens litigation. Finally, Jalopy says what he came to say.*
Jalopy:
I just saved a bunch of money on my car insurance by switching to Geico.
*more silence. The crickets off of Bugs Bunny cartoons begin to chirp in the background. Time passes.*
Malkovich Jr:
Dude...
I’m still horny.
Turn over, dammit!
Jalopy:
ARRRGGGGGHHHH!
Down baby, good boy, take a treat.
Lights dim.
Canned Laughter and Clapping.
Curtain.
No comments:
Post a Comment