Divorce Land

The long shiny tour tram pulled up to a curb of waiting tourists, cameras in hand and flash-ready. Most of them mulled around, making mundane chatter as they waited. A man in an elaborate plum velvet suit, complete with tails and a top hat, stepped off the front of the tram to welcome people aboard. He looked like a cross between Mark Twain and Colonel Sanders, only with a longer, curlier, whiter moustache and matching eyebrows. The only thing he missed was a monocle. His loud, sing-songy voice seemed to echo off the sunny day.

“Come on folks, welcome, step right aboard! Don’t delay, hurry hurry now, we don’t want to miss anything we could be missing out on right now!”

People crowded into the trams like cattle. The day got progressively hotter with each passing second. The tour guide took his place at the front and switched on a large microphone.

“Testing testing, tra la la.”

People squirmed themselves into place until the tram was full and not one more sweaty body could possibly fit. A few even wondered to themselves how, on such a sweltering hot day as this, the tour guide didn’t melt under his widespread facial hair and material-heavy suit.

“Here we go!”

On go, the tram’s engines came to life with a roar and they pulled away from the curb.

“Welcome welcome one and all, ladies and gentlemen, to DIVORCE LAND.” A few people stirred in their seats, but it could’ve just been because of how suddenly the tour guide’s voice boomed so forcefully loud across the little speakers.

“First a little history… All living things die—people, plants, animals, stars. Other things die too, like relationships. Trust. The soul. Hope. Lots of things die. We’re all here today to find out a little bit about what happens when our spouse leaves us to face the world all alone after promising to love and cherish us in sickness and in health until we were supposed to die—but didn’t.”

Thick blackness fell over the tram as it pulled through a long dark tunnel. People bumped and bobbed silently as the tram came through the bright light at the other end.

“Now ladies and gentle lads, if you look out the tram to your left, sprawled out in the greener grass on the other side is a giant and quite rare flock of pure breed, white DENIAL!” Several tourists scooted closer to the edge of their safety bars for a better look.

“Go ahead: wave, scream, yell, stomp your feet even—these majestic denial won’t even acknowledge you in any way that could possibly be confused for you mattering to them in the least!” A middle-aged red-haired lady halfway up from the back snapped a few pictures. The tan line on her ring finger missing its ring stood out white across the black camera it helped steady.

“And don’t look now folks! That’s rhetorical you know. You’re really supposed to look, and you’ll really want to, because we’re coming up on a dirty alley with a surprise guest. Yes, across from the pimps and crack dealers, behind that cliché trash barrel that’s required to be burning to set the atmosphere in alleys like this, it’s the rabid, frothing, cynicismally—is that a word?—diseased monster ANGER!” The tram slowed to a stop at the side of the road. The red-haired lady leaned over the elderly Asian man next to her and forced half her torso across the edge of the tram to get a photo.

“Oh ma’am? Ma’am?? Please keep all body parts inside the tram. No folks, you don’t want to get too close to the anger. It likes to bite hard and once clamped, it tears anything in its maw to tiny bits, leaving nothing but a smear of regret behind.” Oohs and aahs rose and fell through the seats. The tram pulled on. People began to fan themselves as the sun came back out from behind a cloud.

“Yes, but let’s do hurry along—we have a schedule to keep.”

The tram conductor starts to whisper, and the Asian man asks the guy in front of him what difference it makes since he has a microphone.

“Ooh, hush hush now, be very quiet. We’re coming upon the shyest member of our natural community: BARGAINING. Watch closely now, folks. Apparently bargaining wants to keep the heirloom china her grandmother left her and she’s willing to give up the car, yes, the family car, but she won’t let him have the kids on the weekends, no, not if that slut’s gonna be there! It’s so exciting folks! Tears and sweat won’t stop her! Look at her go!” The red-haired woman’s face turned a darker shade than her hair and she put the lens cap back on her camera.

“Now I really must insist you keep all sharp metal objects well-hidden and use caution. Right up ahead is that ruthless and miserable animal DEPRESSION. Don’t be alarmed folks; depression always howls in desperate anguish like that. But please, whatever you do, don’t feed it. It tends to overeat to excess rivaled only by black holes. Again, don’t be alarmed, folks; you knew it would come to this.” A tear slipped down the Asian man’s cheek.

“And that is the end of the tour! I thank you kindly for stopping by this afternoon. Please step off to your left and exit through those red gates ahead. Have a nice day!” With that, he flipped off his microphone switch and was about to step off the tram when he noticed the red-haired lady still seated, rubbing at the lens on her camera absently with a cloth. He came over to see if she needed help off the tram.

“Yes, can I help you?” She didn’t turn to look at him when she answered.

“Well, it’s just that… I thought this tour went all the way to acceptance.”

“ACCEPTANCE? Why no ma’am! Acceptance is truly rare, almost extinct. We’ve yet to capture one. In fact, most of us here have only read about acceptance in books or seen it in movies. Of course if you can always check back…” The lady sighed deeply, then put her camera back in its case and stood up slowly.

“Okay then, buh-bye now. Step down please. Step down.”