An Old Rant.

(I thought it time to pull this bad boy off the virtual shelf from '03 considering we're about to maybe move to the boonies...)

DO YOU KNOW HOW FRUSTRATING IT IS when you are sick, lying in bed with cramps and a headache that had to be caused by getting hit with a very large and heavy brick when you weren’t looking and someone offers to go to the store and get something for you? You feel like one of the few members living on a remote island and one man is making a journey to the mainland in his makeshift coconut shell boat that may or may not make it for supplies that your tribe desperately needs so you must tell him everything you personally have been um, desperately needing before he leaves and you will never get the chance ever EVER again (until tomorrow or Tuesday.)

So the guy heads out the door and you hear it click shut like the boom of thunder in your mind and you think you’ve told him every single even minutely essential thing possible that you could even maybe sort of possibly need but then it dawns on you like DOOM laughing and you remember one last actually important thing last minute like super absorbent Tampax that you might get low on even though you already have a box and a half sitting under the bathroom sink or a thing of Crangrape juice or something and so you run a mad dash like a banshee out of hell down a flight of stairs and through the entire house (which feels like traipsing leisurely through the state of Rhode Island because of the hurry you are in to catch him before he leaves) to the back door only to find them just getting in the car so you do everything you can to get his attention including jumping up and down like an angry Chihuahua in heat and screaming “HEY” at the top of your lungs like an American Idol reject while waiving your arms up and down so fast you are surprised you haven’t taken off like a damn dodo bird or Superman and just flown your sorry ass to the store but you keep trying, even throwing a trash can lid turned frisbee at the vehicle HARD, probably denting it, to NO AVAIL, the whole time NOT realizing you are in your UNDERWEAR because, well, you have been sick but the dude STILL doesn’t recognize your presence and so he goes to the store without the one thing you needed like ONE POSTAGE STAMP or a small bottle of bottled water because it really DOES taste better than the tap and as they round the corner away from your house they leave you standing on the porch stomping your feet like a five year old throwing a temper tantrum over Captain Crunch cereal while the neighbors look on in wonder and enjoyment, laughing, putrid VULTURES they ARE, eating popcorn and sitting their fat asses in lawn chairs so droopy in the middle from BUTT that you can’t believe they don’t just fall through to the pavement looking like a fat sloppy human turd being flushed down the toilet...

Anyway, so you quickly run your half dressed booty back inside and go back up the stairs to call the supermarket and some middle aged whiny CLOVEN OF HOOF guy with an anxiety complex on the other end of the line acts as if simply by the tone of your voice you’ve called in a bomb threat on the freakin’ GROCERY STORE, and you are completely INSANE and should be straight-jacketed that very instant but he says he’ll relay the message if he can find the guy which shouldn’t be hard unless he is BLIND since the OBVIOUSLY DEAF guy in question will be the only one coming into the store wearing flame patterned orange and black pajama pants in JULY and when the phone does finally ring you run to pick it up and your guy barely has time to wearily utter “hello” in a barely audible and frightened whisper because the phone jack is broken and the little cord that hooks to the wall has fallen out because you have a cheap piece of SH*T Wal-Mart five dollar NOT cordless phone upstairs because you decided to put the good expensive ($15) cordless HELPFUL phone downstairs which is stupid because you aren’t ever even down there for anything anyway except when Head Start daycare does a house visit and you have to sit and offer them tea somewhere...

So you just usually hang out upstairs which is what caused this problem in the first place and so you hang up on him accidentally because FATE that stupid HO find this all VERY amusing and by the time your guy does call back, you pick up the phone and have to hold it speshul so all the pieces don’t fall out of the bottom, so you are standing in this awkward position looking quite SPESHUL yourself and you are so farking frustrated that you don’t even say hello when you pick up the extension but instead you just let out a demonic Satan possessed shriek of DEATH into the phone so ear-splitting that you might as well buy the guy a hearing aid now to avoid the messy civil suit he will no doubt be bringing against you in the near future when he realizes that just because you couldn’t LIVE WITHOUT some Dannon FRUIT ON THE F-CKING BOTTOM STRAWBERRY BANANA YOGURT you are now having a full scale “adjective for being cheese-grated over a cactus naked” mental breakdown on the other end of the line causing him to lose 90% of his hearing ability for the rest of his life which wouldn’t have been very long had he been there with you at that exact moment anyway.

Don’t you just hate it when that happens??

Yeah. I thought so.